Church Crazies

 The Occult is not the only thing that has its lunatic fringe.

From small study groups to large congregations, religions attract their share of oddballs. Name the denomination and you will find a few loonies on the fringes. This goes for conventional religions as well as unconventional faiths. Most folks expect to see a few crackpots around the occult and other esoteric beliefs. Many do not know just how many infest conventional Christian, Jewish and Muslim congregations.

Years ago, one large Catholic congregation had a handful of wingnuts among its flock. One was a middle-aged woman named Celeste who spent many of her mornings in church. She liked to sit in the front pew. Celeste would set a handful of holy pictures in front of her and pray loudly. Her words were indecipherable. If she did this during Mass, the officiant usually had to send the altar boy to ask Celeste to be quiet.

That particular church had a large parochial grammar school. Students were expected to attend the 9:00 a.m. Mass on Sundays and sit in the front in a specific area. This happened to be right next to Celeste’s favorite spot. One day, Celeste got there early and set herself up with her holy pictures. The children took their places. A little boy was seated beside her. As Celeste started her prayers, she got weepy. She put her hand on the boy’s shoulder as if she were praying for him. The boy was embarrassed. He did not know what to do. Mass had begun and he did not want to create a scene. In what was probably the first time the boy was glad to see a nun, one of the sisters swooped in and confronted Celeste. She promised to be quiet and leave the children alone.

Another parish kookaburra was Mrs. Nolan. The street behind the school was used as a “schoolyard” for children who gathered before classes. Mrs. Nolan would show up there and start a tirade about sin, immorality and whatever other deviltry caught her attention. She usually had a big crucifix that she waved in the air. Mrs. Nolan’s diatribes usually lasted until the nuns were apprised of her presence. They swooped on her like a flock of angry crows and shuffled her out of the area.

Mrs. Nolan’s daughter was a student at the school. The other children felt sorry for her.

One day, Mrs. Nolan showed up before classes, waving her crucifix. She ranted about foul language. This was when Laugh In was a popular show. A comical punch line on the comedy hour was “Sock it so me, baby.”

Before the nuns swooped in, one of the boys yelled, “Sock it to me, baby, sock it to me!”
Mrs. Nolan went wilder than usual! She was howling as if she’d been bit on the foot by a barracuda. The woman was beside herself, and the school children were amused. Then came the nuns, who were a bit more stern than usual in sending Mrs. Nolan away. She wisely stayed away from the school after that.

Then there was the church. Mrs. Nolan occasionally made herself a spectacle in church. One Sunday, as people left after Mass, the crazy lady planted herself in back of the church. She started ranting. The priest called the altar boy over and said, “This is how we handle Mrs. Nolan.” He then shut off the lights in the section of the church where the crazy lady was standing. Plunged into darkness, Mrs. Nolan went silent and left.

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A peculiar bunch were some of the old women who regularly attended Tuesday Novenas. A novena is a ritual prayer service. These old hags sat there as if Jesus himself were dancing on the altar. They loved to sing the hymns. But their singing? It was horrific. One of the altar boys remarked about it once to the old pastor. The elderly priest told him that to God, their singing was beautiful music. The boy said nothing, but he was not buying it. The way it was described, the sound was so awful that it could have evoked a nest of demons.

I should note that as much as the old church ladies gossip, the ones who know the real dirt are the altar boys. They hear it direct from the priests. Or overhear it, as the case may be. Of course, in that parish, the altar wine had to be kept locked in a safe. Even that was a subject of gossip.

A Wet Cranberry Surprise

This happened in Fort Dix about 40 years ago. It was a weekend drill in November. Several of us left an APC and moved to find cover. We jumped over a small berm covered with bushes.
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Splash! Right into a cranberry bog.

The way they harvest cranberries in New Jersey is simple. Once the berries are ripe, they block off the bog and fill it with water. The berries float off the bushes. All the farmers have to do is skim the berries off the top of the water.

And so, our squad was a victim of cranberry harvesting. We landed in waist-high water. Yuck!

The only thing worse was falling into a rice paddy. That was absolutely foul!  (Fortunately, I did not have that experience. But I knew people who did.)

Cold War Polish humor

A Polish Joke (Cold War style)

These are jokes the Polaks told about Communists

There were two friends, Janosh and Ivan. Janosh was a typical good-natured Polish fellow. Ivan was a Russian and a member of the Communist party.  He wore his party badge proudly.

One day Ivan prevailed on his friend to take him fishing. Janosh reluctantly agreed. So itwas that he took Ivan out in a rowboat to fish.

The two men rowed to a likely spot and started fishing. Janosh hit almost instantly. Ivan had no luck.  An hour passed. Janosh had bet doing well, but Ivan did not have a single hit.

The man agreed to switch positions in the boat and started fishing again. Janosh’s good luck continued. Ivan did not get a single hit. Ivan asked Janosh to try another spot. So they rowed from one spot to the next, but it was always hte same story. Janosh did well, but Ivan hooked nothing. Next they decided to exchange fishing poles, but Ivan’s luck did not improve. They tried using other bait, but with no change. Janosh was lucky and Ivan skunked.

Finally, the boat was full of Janosh’s fish. Frustrated, Ivan asked in his thick Russian accent:’ "Why is, comrade, you catch all the fish and I catch none?”

Janosh reluctantly replied, “Even the fish know to keep their mouths shut when they see that party badge.”

This is the kind of joke they told in Poland about Communists. 

Another Cold War Polish Joke

These are jokes the Polaks told about Communists

Jaruzelski, the premier of Poland, was visiting the Brezhnev in the Kremlin. His Soviet host was feeling magnanimous.  “Anything you see that you want, I give you,” said Brezhnev.

Jaruzelski looked out the window. He was an amazing cow. This was no ordinary bovine. The Polish premier could see that it was special. “That is a wonderful cow. Imagine how it could improve the breeding stock in my country.”

“I want that cow,” the Pole said. Brezhnev smiled and agreed.

“Of course, comrade, of course! But cow is very special. You cannot drive her to Poland. This special cow has to be walked.”

So it was that Jaruzelski arranged for a group of his people to walk the cow back to Poland.
All went well until the cow got to the border. It had its front feet in Poland, its back feet in the Soviet Unions, and it froze. it refused to budge an inch. No amount of poking, prodding or cajolery would encourage the animal walk forward.

The men tried pulling it. They tried pushing it. They even used a winch, but to no avail. frustrated, Jaruzelski called the Kremlin.

“Comrade Brezhnev, the cow will not move and nothing will move her. She is here, her front feet in Poland and her back legs in the Soviet Union. What should we do?”

“We do what we always do,” Brezhnev replied, “You feed it, we milk it.”

This joke is a Cold War commentary on the relationship between the Soviet Union and its Warsaw-Pact neighbors. I heard these jokes for a Polish fellow back in the early 80s. Most of the Eastern Bloc nations had their own jokes about the Soviets and Communism. The Poles, Czechs and others had to live with Communist regimes and Soviet influence. 

Occult Shenanigans

Magickal Childe at 19 W, 35th Street, circa 1990

Magickal Childe was everything a person would expect in an occult store. It was dark, creepy, smelled funny, and the folks working there were weird. They had everything from swords and robes to voodoo oils and church incense. It was a lot of fun to go there. They had a pretty good assortment of books. In fact, one could find a lot of out-of-print books at their old prices. I do not think the folks there inventoried the book shelves because I found some real hard-to-find texts at rock-bottom prices.

Magickal Childe was as much a show as a shop.

Herman Slater

The owner was a strange fellow named Herman Slater. Strange or not, he knew how to make money in the occult business. Slater purposely hired bizarre-looking people. Instead of being polite, he told them to yell at customers. “That is what they want,” he said.

Herman Slater was known as Horrible Herman partly because he was a hot-head. He was known for yelling at annoying customers, “Get out of my shop!” Herman was a cantankerous fellow. But then, folks expected to see bizarre things in an occult shop, and Herman Slater fit the bill.

In the back of Magickal Childe was an “occult apothecary.” There was a counter where you could buy potions, formulae, scented oils and unique incenses. If they did not have it, they would make it for you. The oils were mostly formulae used in Louisiana “hoodoo” and Voodoo. They had weird names like Black Cat, Boss Fix, Lodestone and Law Stay Away.

Voodoo Candles

Next to the “apothecary” was a set of shelves with candles. Along with colored tapers of every size were others cast in various shapes. You could find devil candles, heart candles, dragon candles and even candles shaped like a dick. Most were meant for the kind of folk magick that used oils. For candle magick, they would rub the appropriate oil over the candle before lighting it., The candles came in several sizes and most looked creepy. Of course, they sold like hotcakes.

Magickal Childe also sold prepackaged spell kits that contained everything needed for a specific act of hoodoo. A potential spellcaster would find the candles, oils, incense and incantations necessary to complete his spell, all in a cardboard box with a scary picture on the cover.

Like much that is occult, Magickal Childe profited from the hype. The place purposely had a quasi-Halloween atmosphere and the equally-bizarre trappings that went with it.

When Slater died, he left the shop to his employees. The shop closed a year or so later, I was told. Maybe the employees did not have the knack. More likely, rising commercial rents and other costs ended the store. Either way, one of the more colorful shops in New York City bit the dust.

The other popular store was Weiser Books, an esoteric bookstore over by 26th street. Weister had all kinds of books and tarot cards. The store had a reference book of all the Tarot decks it sold. They carried everything from Rosicrucian texts to Theosophy books to reprints of Medieval grimoires. It was not as creepy as Magickal Childe, but it had a lot of interesting books that could be found nowhere else.

I was in Magickal Childe one afternoon looking for an obscure book. I had already been to Weiser’s with no luck. While poring over one of the shelves, another customer started talking to me. He was wearing the uniform of a custodian and was some years older than me. There was something seedy about him.

“I belong to the Golden Dawn and the O.T.O.“ he said, mentioning two well-known occult groups. “If you want to join, I can get you in.”

For those who don’t know the nuances of these things, legitimate occult groups are much more discreet. They carefully screen potential new members. These groups certainly do not offer memberships to strangers in whimsical esoteric shops. And they do not announce themselves to strangers.

I smiled and declined. Not seeing the book I wanted, I drifted to one of the other shelves. Half the fun of occult shops was watching some of the weird customers without having to interact with them. But that day, I just wanted to find my book and get out of there.

The thing about occult books - and in fact, everything else involved with the occult - is that 90% is pure malarkey. The best of that 90% of books are watered-down copies of older, better books. It is redundant. The rest ranges from crackpot concepts to utter nonsense. It is mostly hype, superstition, egotism and hucksterism. You have to learn how to sort through a lot of crap to find the gems. Some learn quickly, but too many like to believe the hype.

But then, the 90% sells like hotcakes to the wanna-bes, the superstitious, the power seekers and the egomaniacs with inferiority complexes. These are the same folks who buy the smelly oils, funny candles, odd statues, occult jewelry and instant spell kits.

The good 10% are mostly fair to satisfactory, with the best being 1% or less. Ironically, the same can be said of the martial arts and a few other pursuits.

I have had the good fortune to experience many forms of spirituality and religion over the years. You might say that I have been from Alchemy to Zen and back again. The problem with some of them - this includes the occult - is that you have to wade through so much hype and malarkey to find the few gems.

There are five rules to investigating mystical and esoteric religion:

1: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
2: If it sounds stupid, it probably is.
3: If it sounds unbelievable, it probably is.
4: If you meet a teacher or leader, ask yourself this: would you want to have anything to do with this person if the context weren’t the current form of spirituality you are investigating? Would you feel comfortable introducing him to your spouse, your family, your most trusted friends? Would you feel comfortable leaving his person alone with your spouse, significant other, or your children?  If the answer is no, get away as fast as possible and stay away!
5: If they promise great power or anything else for a high price, leave.

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The Occult is a generic term for various non-conventional spiritual and religious practices. These are not necessarily related, other than being outside mainstream religious and spiritual practices. Most deal with some kind of mystical practices. A few beliefs under the umbrella of the Occult are pre-Christian religions and native shamanism. There are also divinatory and magickal practices as well as mysticism and alchemy.

Many things considered occult were common religious practices in the pre-Christian era. Things like skrying, divination and oracles were part and parcel of everyday religion for most of the world. They are still common in places. The stories of bizarre rites and extreme practices are mostly superstition. There are a few people who engage in such things, but they are thrill-seekers rather than spiritual seekers. In the few cases of deviant behavior, there is usually some kind of criminality involved.

Tarot for the Un-Taroted

Italian Tarot Cards from 1890

Tarot cards seem mysterious for two reasons. One is that they are a tool of fortune-tellers. The other is that occultists and New Agers claim all sorts of esoteric origins for the cards. Some go so far as to state that the Tarot originated in ancient Egypt.

Tarot first appeared in the Middle Ages, about 1400. The cards were first seen in the Mediterranean. They quickly spread. Most used them for card games. A variant, the Taroch, or Taroque, had fewer cards. The Taroch was used as a game only. Somewhere along the line, Tarot was seized upon buy fortunetellers and esotericists. Both groups like to claim an ancient heritage for whatever they do. So it is that the Medieval Tarot was given a much older origin.

Tarot is actually a combination of two decks, commonly known as the Major and Minor Arcana. The Minor Arcana equates very much with common playing cards. There are four suits and ten numbered cards. The first difference is that instead of three face cards, there are four. Both Playing and Tarot cards have a King and Queen. The standard playing deck has a Jack, or Knave. Tarot has a Page and a Prince. The four suits of regular cards - Clubs, Spades, Hearts and Diamonds - equate with Tarot’s Wands (or Staves), Swords, Cup and Pentacles (or Disks).

The Major Arcana are 22 face cards. These go from the Fool and the Magician to The World. Some are quite bizarre. These have more emphasis than the cards in the four suits. Nobody is sure where the Major Arcana originated. The symbolism is unusual. Cards include The Fool. The Magician, The High Priestess, Empress, Emperor, High Priest, The Lovers, The Chariot, Strength, The Hermit, The Wheel, Justice, The Hanged Man, Death, Temperance, the Devil, The Tower, The Star, The Moon, the Sun, Judgement, and The Universe / The World.  If you think it an odd assortment, keep in mind that the name of the card does not necessarily match is interpretation.

The Major Arcana, from the Rider-Waite deck

Various artists have tried their hand at the Tarot. There are hundreds of decks, from the mundane to the absolutely weird. For instance, one odd deck uses women’s shoes for its illustrations. Artistic as they may be, the decks all have the same Major and Minor Arcana cards. The difference is how the imagery is depicted.

The most common Tarot Decks are inspired by the Rider-Waite deck. A.E. Waite was a well-known writer and student of esoteric matters. Waite designed a deck in which all the cards were illustrated. Many decks follow his lead, often to the point of doing their versions of his symbolism and imagery. Waite wrote “The Pictorial Key to the Tarot” in 1910. The book was illustrated with the cards of his design. (You can download copies online.)

Temperance and The Devil cards from a Belgian deck

I learned to read the Tarot many years ago. It is one of the many arcane talents I acquired in my quest for spiritual experiences. I can tell you that the cards themselves are not magick. They are just a different deck of cards, like Taroch, Pinochle or Skat decks. The actual reading depends on the reader. You might be surprised to know that there are readers whose deck of choice is a common Poker deck. Then again, folks read Runes, stones, bones, tea leaves, palms, and heads.  How does it work? I believe psychologist Carl Jung came close with his concept of Synchronicity.

Tarot is a Medieval card deck that has been popular ever since. There are many artistic variations. It is colorful and interesting, but not spooky. Though the origins are obscure, it is not as mysterious as esotericists like to claim.

The Fool, from old French decks

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Part of the inspiration for esotericists and occultists is the numbers of the Tarot. There are 22 major Arcana cards. The Hebrew system of Kabbalah (Qabalah) is popular with occultists. In Kabbalah, there are 22 Paths on the Tree of Life. To their thinking, the 4 suits equate with the Four Elements: Wands - Fire, Swords -Air, Cups - Water, and Disks / Pentacles - Earth. Something as simple as numbers leads to all sorts of occult speculation over a deck of cards.

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A common style of reading is the Celtic Cross. The cards are placed in a pattern, in an order from first to eleventh. The position of each cards denotes its significance. The placement of the cards and their relation to one another give the reader information.

Celtic Cross Spread

In the Celtic cross spread, eleven cards are drawn and placed as shown in the diagram.  The first card is the significator, and describes the individual or situation.  The one covering it describes factors working for the person; the card laying crossways portrays opposing factors.  The bottom card, numbered 4, describes underlying facts.  This is both the past and those deeper issues leading to the situation at hand.  The sixth card, to the right, describes the immediate past.  It is generally read before the fifth card, which tells of the person's goals, ideals, or where the person thinks he is headed.  The seventh card tells of the immediate future.  The eighth card denotes the immediate ramifications of the seventh.  It can also be read as events which occur right after the immediate future: a "middle future".  The ninth card shows how the person sees himself.  It can sometimes also show an individual whom the person considers important to the issue.  The tenth card depicts the person's hopes and fears.  It shows which issues cause him the most concern for good or bad.  Sometimes the hopes and fears are just that, and have no facts to support them.  The eleventh card is the probable final outcome of the matter.

The Celtic Cross spread

I used to do Tarot readings for a few regular customers about 30 years ago. It was an easy way to make a few extra bucks.

The best readers will tell you that the cards are like a weather forecast. They give the likely outcome. They also claim that cards can also reveal hidden things in the present. Again, some readers can get the same results with common playing cards. Is it real or a psychological trick?  I’ll let you decide that!

(If you are interested in my Divination booklet, email me at thortrains@comcast.net)

Cards from the Visconti-Sforza deck, circa 1460

Germans Fooled by Lefse

Lefse is a very thin, soft bread. It has the thickness of a soft corn tortilla, but is white and a bit pasty. Lefse is a staple of Scandinavia cuisine.

From 1940 to 1945, Norway was occupied by the Germans. Many of the German NCOs and officers who were sent there were no strangers. During World War I, many Germans sent their children to the safety of Scandinavia when the homeland was threatened. These individuals had gotten to know the Nordic people well ,and many even learned the language.  (It is easy for Germans to learn Norwegian, and vice versa.)

By comparison, The German occupation was more benign than in other countries. The average German soldier had a much more affable attitude toward tee Norse people than he would have had to Poles, Russians or Ukrainians. Nonetheless, it was an armed occupation. People could get arrested and face severe punishment - even death - for offending the occupiers or their puppet Quisling government.

Patrols were occasionally sent into the countryside to look for contraband, such as radios. One such patrol came to a rural farmhouse. The family was preparing dinner. The son was sent to the shed to get some lefse. The German sergeant good-naturedly sent one of his men to help the son.

After the boy returned with the Lefse, the Germans left. They overheard the German sergeant lament, “Ach, these poor people. They are reduced to eating paper.”

If you never saw Lefse before, you might make that mistake.

High Minds versus Medical Gear

Thanks to the ongoing cardiac adventure, I now have my own blood pressure machine. Just this morning, I tried it out. Audrey needed to help me with the cuff.  Once I got it on and pressed the button...bzzz...ERROR - CUFF. So I put on the cuff again and tried it.  Bzzz - ERROR-CUFF. We followed the instructions and re-applied the cuff.. Bzz-ERROR-CUFF.  It took a few more tries before we realized that the cuff had to go on differently. That was not clear from the instructions.

When two people with very high IQs can’t figure out a simple piece of medical equipment, well, I wonder what happens for average folks. And who was the dingbat who okayed the half-assed instruction sheets?