Church Crazies

 The Occult is not the only thing that has its lunatic fringe.

From small study groups to large congregations, religions attract their share of oddballs. Name the denomination and you will find a few loonies on the fringes. This goes for conventional religions as well as unconventional faiths. Most folks expect to see a few crackpots around the occult and other esoteric beliefs. Many do not know just how many infest conventional Christian, Jewish and Muslim congregations.

Years ago, one large Catholic congregation had a handful of wingnuts among its flock. One was a middle-aged woman named Celeste who spent many of her mornings in church. She liked to sit in the front pew. Celeste would set a handful of holy pictures in front of her and pray loudly. Her words were indecipherable. If she did this during Mass, the officiant usually had to send the altar boy to ask Celeste to be quiet.

That particular church had a large parochial grammar school. Students were expected to attend the 9:00 a.m. Mass on Sundays and sit in the front in a specific area. This happened to be right next to Celeste’s favorite spot. One day, Celeste got there early and set herself up with her holy pictures. The children took their places. A little boy was seated beside her. As Celeste started her prayers, she got weepy. She put her hand on the boy’s shoulder as if she were praying for him. The boy was embarrassed. He did not know what to do. Mass had begun and he did not want to create a scene. In what was probably the first time the boy was glad to see a nun, one of the sisters swooped in and confronted Celeste. She promised to be quiet and leave the children alone.

Another parish kookaburra was Mrs. Nolan. The street behind the school was used as a “schoolyard” for children who gathered before classes. Mrs. Nolan would show up there and start a tirade about sin, immorality and whatever other deviltry caught her attention. She usually had a big crucifix that she waved in the air. Mrs. Nolan’s diatribes usually lasted until the nuns were apprised of her presence. They swooped on her like a flock of angry crows and shuffled her out of the area.

Mrs. Nolan’s daughter was a student at the school. The other children felt sorry for her.

One day, Mrs. Nolan showed up before classes, waving her crucifix. She ranted about foul language. This was when Laugh In was a popular show. A comical punch line on the comedy hour was “Sock it so me, baby.”

Before the nuns swooped in, one of the boys yelled, “Sock it to me, baby, sock it to me!”
Mrs. Nolan went wilder than usual! She was howling as if she’d been bit on the foot by a barracuda. The woman was beside herself, and the school children were amused. Then came the nuns, who were a bit more stern than usual in sending Mrs. Nolan away. She wisely stayed away from the school after that.

Then there was the church. Mrs. Nolan occasionally made herself a spectacle in church. One Sunday, as people left after Mass, the crazy lady planted herself in back of the church. She started ranting. The priest called the altar boy over and said, “This is how we handle Mrs. Nolan.” He then shut off the lights in the section of the church where the crazy lady was standing. Plunged into darkness, Mrs. Nolan went silent and left.

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A peculiar bunch were some of the old women who regularly attended Tuesday Novenas. A novena is a ritual prayer service. These old hags sat there as if Jesus himself were dancing on the altar. They loved to sing the hymns. But their singing? It was horrific. One of the altar boys remarked about it once to the old pastor. The elderly priest told him that to God, their singing was beautiful music. The boy said nothing, but he was not buying it. The way it was described, the sound was so awful that it could have evoked a nest of demons.

I should note that as much as the old church ladies gossip, the ones who know the real dirt are the altar boys. They hear it direct from the priests. Or overhear it, as the case may be. Of course, in that parish, the altar wine had to be kept locked in a safe. Even that was a subject of gossip.