Religious Crackpots, Southern Style

The main character in these stories is someone I know well. This was his first exposure to the nation’s “Bible Belt” and religious bigotry. Everything transpired over 45 years ago. As usual, names have been changed to protect the guilty.

A young soldier from the Northeast was stationed in the Bible Belt. He went downtown now and then. There were the usual kinds of stores, plus pawn shops, strip clubs and other things common to “G.I. towns.  There was a storefront place called “Christian Servicemen’s Center”.  They had a counter, some small tables and a ping pong table. The young soldier passed it but had no intention of going inside.

One Saturday afternoon downtown, the young soldier ran into a couple of friends from his unit. They told him they were going to the Christian Serviceman’s Center. He wanted to decline, but reluctantly joined them. Inside was a counter with a coffee pot and cookies, the ping pong table , and an old man. The friends called him “Brother Chizzum” or something like that.

The two friends invited the young soldier to play a game of ping pong. He played a couple of rounds. Then they went to the counter and introduced him to Brother Chizzum. The old man offered the Northeasterner some cookies. The soldier was eating the cookie when the old man asked him about his beliefs. The young man replied that he was Catholic.

“Well, you better watch out. You might choke on the cookie. That is a Christian cookie.” the old man said with a spiteful smile.

The young man was confused. Catholicism is a form of Christianity. He was baffled that a so-called Christian would want him to choke. His two friends looked embarrassed. The soldier finished the cookie.

“Thanks for a cookie,” he said, and left.

Later, back on post, the two friends tried to make an explanation for Brother Chizzum’s rude remark. They said it was a misunderstood joke. The young man was not buying it. Suffice to say he gave the Christian Servicemen’s Center wide berth after that.

This was how he learned that some fundamentalist sects of Christianity do not consider other denominations Christian.

There was a “holy roller” in the unit named Ray. He was a skinny Mexican fellow with a too-large nose and a too-skinny everything else. “Ugly Ray” was a cook. One day, on the serving line, Ray went into a religious tirade. As he served each soldier, he asked, “Are you right with the Lord, brother?”

As you can imaging, some of the replies were far from what he expected.

When it came to the soldier mentioned earlier, the young man did not want to fuss. He said, “Yeah, I listen to the priest”  and started to move on.

“You’re going to go to Hell with that priest,” Ray shouted.

Ugly Ray got into a lot of trouble for preaching in the chow line.

A month or so later, the unit was going on maneuvers. “Going into the field” for two weeks.

They were leaving on Easter Sunday. The troops were told there would be no excuses for not showing up to deploy. Most of the men were there. Ugly Ray and some of his holy-roller pals did not show for religious reasons. All I was told was that they got themselves into a lot of trouble. I can see the Army’s point. War happens regardless of holidays, and training reflects that fact.

These were the young man’s first introduction to religious bigotry. He never forgot the look on that old man’s face when he wished the young man to choke on a cookie.

Why not check out some of the other stories on this blog? An amusement assortment of stories, articles and anecdotes awaits you.