Church Crazies

 The Occult is not the only thing that has its lunatic fringe.

From small study groups to large congregations, religions attract their share of oddballs. Name the denomination and you will find a few loonies on the fringes. This goes for conventional religions as well as unconventional faiths. Most folks expect to see a few crackpots around the occult and other esoteric beliefs. Many do not know just how many infest conventional Christian, Jewish and Muslim congregations.

Years ago, one large Catholic congregation had a handful of wingnuts among its flock. One was a middle-aged woman named Celeste who spent many of her mornings in church. She liked to sit in the front pew. Celeste would set a handful of holy pictures in front of her and pray loudly. Her words were indecipherable. If she did this during Mass, the officiant usually had to send the altar boy to ask Celeste to be quiet.

That particular church had a large parochial grammar school. Students were expected to attend the 9:00 a.m. Mass on Sundays and sit in the front in a specific area. This happened to be right next to Celeste’s favorite spot. One day, Celeste got there early and set herself up with her holy pictures. The children took their places. A little boy was seated beside her. As Celeste started her prayers, she got weepy. She put her hand on the boy’s shoulder as if she were praying for him. The boy was embarrassed. He did not know what to do. Mass had begun and he did not want to create a scene. In what was probably the first time the boy was glad to see a nun, one of the sisters swooped in and confronted Celeste. She promised to be quiet and leave the children alone.

Another parish kookaburra was Mrs. Nolan. The street behind the school was used as a “schoolyard” for children who gathered before classes. Mrs. Nolan would show up there and start a tirade about sin, immorality and whatever other deviltry caught her attention. She usually had a big crucifix that she waved in the air. Mrs. Nolan’s diatribes usually lasted until the nuns were apprised of her presence. They swooped on her like a flock of angry crows and shuffled her out of the area.

Mrs. Nolan’s daughter was a student at the school. The other children felt sorry for her.

One day, Mrs. Nolan showed up before classes, waving her crucifix. She ranted about foul language. This was when Laugh In was a popular show. A comical punch line on the comedy hour was “Sock it so me, baby.”

Before the nuns swooped in, one of the boys yelled, “Sock it to me, baby, sock it to me!”
Mrs. Nolan went wilder than usual! She was howling as if she’d been bit on the foot by a barracuda. The woman was beside herself, and the school children were amused. Then came the nuns, who were a bit more stern than usual in sending Mrs. Nolan away. She wisely stayed away from the school after that.

Then there was the church. Mrs. Nolan occasionally made herself a spectacle in church. One Sunday, as people left after Mass, the crazy lady planted herself in back of the church. She started ranting. The priest called the altar boy over and said, “This is how we handle Mrs. Nolan.” He then shut off the lights in the section of the church where the crazy lady was standing. Plunged into darkness, Mrs. Nolan went silent and left.

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A peculiar bunch were some of the old women who regularly attended Tuesday Novenas. A novena is a ritual prayer service. These old hags sat there as if Jesus himself were dancing on the altar. They loved to sing the hymns. But their singing? It was horrific. One of the altar boys remarked about it once to the old pastor. The elderly priest told him that to God, their singing was beautiful music. The boy said nothing, but he was not buying it. The way it was described, the sound was so awful that it could have evoked a nest of demons.

I should note that as much as the old church ladies gossip, the ones who know the real dirt are the altar boys. They hear it direct from the priests. Or overhear it, as the case may be. Of course, in that parish, the altar wine had to be kept locked in a safe. Even that was a subject of gossip.

A Wet Cranberry Surprise

This happened in Fort Dix about 40 years ago. It was a weekend drill in November. Several of us left an APC and moved to find cover. We jumped over a small berm covered with bushes.
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Splash! Right into a cranberry bog.

The way they harvest cranberries in New Jersey is simple. Once the berries are ripe, they block off the bog and fill it with water. The berries float off the bushes. All the farmers have to do is skim the berries off the top of the water.

And so, our squad was a victim of cranberry harvesting. We landed in waist-high water. Yuck!

The only thing worse was falling into a rice paddy. That was absolutely foul!  (Fortunately, I did not have that experience. But I knew people who did.)

Cold War Polish humor

A Polish Joke (Cold War style)

These are jokes the Polaks told about Communists

There were two friends, Janosh and Ivan. Janosh was a typical good-natured Polish fellow. Ivan was a Russian and a member of the Communist party.  He wore his party badge proudly.

One day Ivan prevailed on his friend to take him fishing. Janosh reluctantly agreed. So itwas that he took Ivan out in a rowboat to fish.

The two men rowed to a likely spot and started fishing. Janosh hit almost instantly. Ivan had no luck.  An hour passed. Janosh had bet doing well, but Ivan did not have a single hit.

The man agreed to switch positions in the boat and started fishing again. Janosh’s good luck continued. Ivan did not get a single hit. Ivan asked Janosh to try another spot. So they rowed from one spot to the next, but it was always hte same story. Janosh did well, but Ivan hooked nothing. Next they decided to exchange fishing poles, but Ivan’s luck did not improve. They tried using other bait, but with no change. Janosh was lucky and Ivan skunked.

Finally, the boat was full of Janosh’s fish. Frustrated, Ivan asked in his thick Russian accent:’ "Why is, comrade, you catch all the fish and I catch none?”

Janosh reluctantly replied, “Even the fish know to keep their mouths shut when they see that party badge.”

This is the kind of joke they told in Poland about Communists. 

Another Cold War Polish Joke

These are jokes the Polaks told about Communists

Jaruzelski, the premier of Poland, was visiting the Brezhnev in the Kremlin. His Soviet host was feeling magnanimous.  “Anything you see that you want, I give you,” said Brezhnev.

Jaruzelski looked out the window. He was an amazing cow. This was no ordinary bovine. The Polish premier could see that it was special. “That is a wonderful cow. Imagine how it could improve the breeding stock in my country.”

“I want that cow,” the Pole said. Brezhnev smiled and agreed.

“Of course, comrade, of course! But cow is very special. You cannot drive her to Poland. This special cow has to be walked.”

So it was that Jaruzelski arranged for a group of his people to walk the cow back to Poland.
All went well until the cow got to the border. It had its front feet in Poland, its back feet in the Soviet Unions, and it froze. it refused to budge an inch. No amount of poking, prodding or cajolery would encourage the animal walk forward.

The men tried pulling it. They tried pushing it. They even used a winch, but to no avail. frustrated, Jaruzelski called the Kremlin.

“Comrade Brezhnev, the cow will not move and nothing will move her. She is here, her front feet in Poland and her back legs in the Soviet Union. What should we do?”

“We do what we always do,” Brezhnev replied, “You feed it, we milk it.”

This joke is a Cold War commentary on the relationship between the Soviet Union and its Warsaw-Pact neighbors. I heard these jokes for a Polish fellow back in the early 80s. Most of the Eastern Bloc nations had their own jokes about the Soviets and Communism. The Poles, Czechs and others had to live with Communist regimes and Soviet influence. 

Occult Shenanigans

Magickal Childe at 19 W, 35th Street, circa 1990

Magickal Childe was everything a person would expect in an occult store. It was dark, creepy, smelled funny, and the folks working there were weird. They had everything from swords and robes to voodoo oils and church incense. It was a lot of fun to go there. They had a pretty good assortment of books. In fact, one could find a lot of out-of-print books at their old prices. I do not think the folks there inventoried the book shelves because I found some real hard-to-find texts at rock-bottom prices.

Magickal Childe was as much a show as a shop.

Herman Slater

The owner was a strange fellow named Herman Slater. Strange or not, he knew how to make money in the occult business. Slater purposely hired bizarre-looking people. Instead of being polite, he told them to yell at customers. “That is what they want,” he said.

Herman Slater was known as Horrible Herman partly because he was a hot-head. He was known for yelling at annoying customers, “Get out of my shop!” Herman was a cantankerous fellow. But then, folks expected to see bizarre things in an occult shop, and Herman Slater fit the bill.

In the back of Magickal Childe was an “occult apothecary.” There was a counter where you could buy potions, formulae, scented oils and unique incenses. If they did not have it, they would make it for you. The oils were mostly formulae used in Louisiana “hoodoo” and Voodoo. They had weird names like Black Cat, Boss Fix, Lodestone and Law Stay Away.

Voodoo Candles

Next to the “apothecary” was a set of shelves with candles. Along with colored tapers of every size were others cast in various shapes. You could find devil candles, heart candles, dragon candles and even candles shaped like a dick. Most were meant for the kind of folk magick that used oils. For candle magick, they would rub the appropriate oil over the candle before lighting it., The candles came in several sizes and most looked creepy. Of course, they sold like hotcakes.

Magickal Childe also sold prepackaged spell kits that contained everything needed for a specific act of hoodoo. A potential spellcaster would find the candles, oils, incense and incantations necessary to complete his spell, all in a cardboard box with a scary picture on the cover.

Like much that is occult, Magickal Childe profited from the hype. The place purposely had a quasi-Halloween atmosphere and the equally-bizarre trappings that went with it.

When Slater died, he left the shop to his employees. The shop closed a year or so later, I was told. Maybe the employees did not have the knack. More likely, rising commercial rents and other costs ended the store. Either way, one of the more colorful shops in New York City bit the dust.

The other popular store was Weiser Books, an esoteric bookstore over by 26th street. Weister had all kinds of books and tarot cards. The store had a reference book of all the Tarot decks it sold. They carried everything from Rosicrucian texts to Theosophy books to reprints of Medieval grimoires. It was not as creepy as Magickal Childe, but it had a lot of interesting books that could be found nowhere else.

I was in Magickal Childe one afternoon looking for an obscure book. I had already been to Weiser’s with no luck. While poring over one of the shelves, another customer started talking to me. He was wearing the uniform of a custodian and was some years older than me. There was something seedy about him.

“I belong to the Golden Dawn and the O.T.O.“ he said, mentioning two well-known occult groups. “If you want to join, I can get you in.”

For those who don’t know the nuances of these things, legitimate occult groups are much more discreet. They carefully screen potential new members. These groups certainly do not offer memberships to strangers in whimsical esoteric shops. And they do not announce themselves to strangers.

I smiled and declined. Not seeing the book I wanted, I drifted to one of the other shelves. Half the fun of occult shops was watching some of the weird customers without having to interact with them. But that day, I just wanted to find my book and get out of there.

The thing about occult books - and in fact, everything else involved with the occult - is that 90% is pure malarkey. The best of that 90% of books are watered-down copies of older, better books. It is redundant. The rest ranges from crackpot concepts to utter nonsense. It is mostly hype, superstition, egotism and hucksterism. You have to learn how to sort through a lot of crap to find the gems. Some learn quickly, but too many like to believe the hype.

But then, the 90% sells like hotcakes to the wanna-bes, the superstitious, the power seekers and the egomaniacs with inferiority complexes. These are the same folks who buy the smelly oils, funny candles, odd statues, occult jewelry and instant spell kits.

The good 10% are mostly fair to satisfactory, with the best being 1% or less. Ironically, the same can be said of the martial arts and a few other pursuits.

I have had the good fortune to experience many forms of spirituality and religion over the years. You might say that I have been from Alchemy to Zen and back again. The problem with some of them - this includes the occult - is that you have to wade through so much hype and malarkey to find the few gems.

There are five rules to investigating mystical and esoteric religion:

1: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
2: If it sounds stupid, it probably is.
3: If it sounds unbelievable, it probably is.
4: If you meet a teacher or leader, ask yourself this: would you want to have anything to do with this person if the context weren’t the current form of spirituality you are investigating? Would you feel comfortable introducing him to your spouse, your family, your most trusted friends? Would you feel comfortable leaving his person alone with your spouse, significant other, or your children?  If the answer is no, get away as fast as possible and stay away!
5: If they promise great power or anything else for a high price, leave.

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The Occult is a generic term for various non-conventional spiritual and religious practices. These are not necessarily related, other than being outside mainstream religious and spiritual practices. Most deal with some kind of mystical practices. A few beliefs under the umbrella of the Occult are pre-Christian religions and native shamanism. There are also divinatory and magickal practices as well as mysticism and alchemy.

Many things considered occult were common religious practices in the pre-Christian era. Things like skrying, divination and oracles were part and parcel of everyday religion for most of the world. They are still common in places. The stories of bizarre rites and extreme practices are mostly superstition. There are a few people who engage in such things, but they are thrill-seekers rather than spiritual seekers. In the few cases of deviant behavior, there is usually some kind of criminality involved.

Tarot for the Un-Taroted

Italian Tarot Cards from 1890

Tarot cards seem mysterious for two reasons. One is that they are a tool of fortune-tellers. The other is that occultists and New Agers claim all sorts of esoteric origins for the cards. Some go so far as to state that the Tarot originated in ancient Egypt.

Tarot first appeared in the Middle Ages, about 1400. The cards were first seen in the Mediterranean. They quickly spread. Most used them for card games. A variant, the Taroch, or Taroque, had fewer cards. The Taroch was used as a game only. Somewhere along the line, Tarot was seized upon buy fortunetellers and esotericists. Both groups like to claim an ancient heritage for whatever they do. So it is that the Medieval Tarot was given a much older origin.

Tarot is actually a combination of two decks, commonly known as the Major and Minor Arcana. The Minor Arcana equates very much with common playing cards. There are four suits and ten numbered cards. The first difference is that instead of three face cards, there are four. Both Playing and Tarot cards have a King and Queen. The standard playing deck has a Jack, or Knave. Tarot has a Page and a Prince. The four suits of regular cards - Clubs, Spades, Hearts and Diamonds - equate with Tarot’s Wands (or Staves), Swords, Cup and Pentacles (or Disks).

The Major Arcana are 22 face cards. These go from the Fool and the Magician to The World. Some are quite bizarre. These have more emphasis than the cards in the four suits. Nobody is sure where the Major Arcana originated. The symbolism is unusual. Cards include The Fool. The Magician, The High Priestess, Empress, Emperor, High Priest, The Lovers, The Chariot, Strength, The Hermit, The Wheel, Justice, The Hanged Man, Death, Temperance, the Devil, The Tower, The Star, The Moon, the Sun, Judgement, and The Universe / The World.  If you think it an odd assortment, keep in mind that the name of the card does not necessarily match is interpretation.

The Major Arcana, from the Rider-Waite deck

Various artists have tried their hand at the Tarot. There are hundreds of decks, from the mundane to the absolutely weird. For instance, one odd deck uses women’s shoes for its illustrations. Artistic as they may be, the decks all have the same Major and Minor Arcana cards. The difference is how the imagery is depicted.

The most common Tarot Decks are inspired by the Rider-Waite deck. A.E. Waite was a well-known writer and student of esoteric matters. Waite designed a deck in which all the cards were illustrated. Many decks follow his lead, often to the point of doing their versions of his symbolism and imagery. Waite wrote “The Pictorial Key to the Tarot” in 1910. The book was illustrated with the cards of his design. (You can download copies online.)

Temperance and The Devil cards from a Belgian deck

I learned to read the Tarot many years ago. It is one of the many arcane talents I acquired in my quest for spiritual experiences. I can tell you that the cards themselves are not magick. They are just a different deck of cards, like Taroch, Pinochle or Skat decks. The actual reading depends on the reader. You might be surprised to know that there are readers whose deck of choice is a common Poker deck. Then again, folks read Runes, stones, bones, tea leaves, palms, and heads.  How does it work? I believe psychologist Carl Jung came close with his concept of Synchronicity.

Tarot is a Medieval card deck that has been popular ever since. There are many artistic variations. It is colorful and interesting, but not spooky. Though the origins are obscure, it is not as mysterious as esotericists like to claim.

The Fool, from old French decks

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Part of the inspiration for esotericists and occultists is the numbers of the Tarot. There are 22 major Arcana cards. The Hebrew system of Kabbalah (Qabalah) is popular with occultists. In Kabbalah, there are 22 Paths on the Tree of Life. To their thinking, the 4 suits equate with the Four Elements: Wands - Fire, Swords -Air, Cups - Water, and Disks / Pentacles - Earth. Something as simple as numbers leads to all sorts of occult speculation over a deck of cards.

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A common style of reading is the Celtic Cross. The cards are placed in a pattern, in an order from first to eleventh. The position of each cards denotes its significance. The placement of the cards and their relation to one another give the reader information.

Celtic Cross Spread

In the Celtic cross spread, eleven cards are drawn and placed as shown in the diagram.  The first card is the significator, and describes the individual or situation.  The one covering it describes factors working for the person; the card laying crossways portrays opposing factors.  The bottom card, numbered 4, describes underlying facts.  This is both the past and those deeper issues leading to the situation at hand.  The sixth card, to the right, describes the immediate past.  It is generally read before the fifth card, which tells of the person's goals, ideals, or where the person thinks he is headed.  The seventh card tells of the immediate future.  The eighth card denotes the immediate ramifications of the seventh.  It can also be read as events which occur right after the immediate future: a "middle future".  The ninth card shows how the person sees himself.  It can sometimes also show an individual whom the person considers important to the issue.  The tenth card depicts the person's hopes and fears.  It shows which issues cause him the most concern for good or bad.  Sometimes the hopes and fears are just that, and have no facts to support them.  The eleventh card is the probable final outcome of the matter.

The Celtic Cross spread

I used to do Tarot readings for a few regular customers about 30 years ago. It was an easy way to make a few extra bucks.

The best readers will tell you that the cards are like a weather forecast. They give the likely outcome. They also claim that cards can also reveal hidden things in the present. Again, some readers can get the same results with common playing cards. Is it real or a psychological trick?  I’ll let you decide that!

(If you are interested in my Divination booklet, email me at thortrains@comcast.net)

Cards from the Visconti-Sforza deck, circa 1460

Germans Fooled by Lefse

Lefse is a very thin, soft bread. It has the thickness of a soft corn tortilla, but is white and a bit pasty. Lefse is a staple of Scandinavia cuisine.

From 1940 to 1945, Norway was occupied by the Germans. Many of the German NCOs and officers who were sent there were no strangers. During World War I, many Germans sent their children to the safety of Scandinavia when the homeland was threatened. These individuals had gotten to know the Nordic people well ,and many even learned the language.  (It is easy for Germans to learn Norwegian, and vice versa.)

By comparison, The German occupation was more benign than in other countries. The average German soldier had a much more affable attitude toward tee Norse people than he would have had to Poles, Russians or Ukrainians. Nonetheless, it was an armed occupation. People could get arrested and face severe punishment - even death - for offending the occupiers or their puppet Quisling government.

Patrols were occasionally sent into the countryside to look for contraband, such as radios. One such patrol came to a rural farmhouse. The family was preparing dinner. The son was sent to the shed to get some lefse. The German sergeant good-naturedly sent one of his men to help the son.

After the boy returned with the Lefse, the Germans left. They overheard the German sergeant lament, “Ach, these poor people. They are reduced to eating paper.”

If you never saw Lefse before, you might make that mistake.

High Minds versus Medical Gear

Thanks to the ongoing cardiac adventure, I now have my own blood pressure machine. Just this morning, I tried it out. Audrey needed to help me with the cuff.  Once I got it on and pressed the button...bzzz...ERROR - CUFF. So I put on the cuff again and tried it.  Bzzz - ERROR-CUFF. We followed the instructions and re-applied the cuff.. Bzz-ERROR-CUFF.  It took a few more tries before we realized that the cuff had to go on differently. That was not clear from the instructions.

When two people with very high IQs can’t figure out a simple piece of medical equipment, well, I wonder what happens for average folks. And who was the dingbat who okayed the half-assed instruction sheets?

Country Mysteries

I spent half my childhood in the city and half in the country. What a difference!

One of the myths held by urban dwellers is that the country is a “peaceful” place. The people have embraced an idyllic fantasy. The country can be anything but peaceful.

One urban legend is that the country is quiet. The reality is that it is quieter in daytime than at night. Once darkness falls, a host of nocturnal creatures add their  voices to the landscape. There are a host of owls, cicadas, grasshopper, whippoorwills and others whose voices are only heard at night.  For some city folk, the noise is intrusive. But for those who know, the nightly din is a reminder of Life, and thus a thing of comfort.

Country skies at night are brighter than city skies. The ambient light of cities obscures the stars. Only the brightest ones are visible. Lacking that ambient light, country skies are filled with stars from end to end.

Country living used to have more differences. The average urban hardware store’s wares would not fit the bill. Country living required people to be more self-reliant when it came to nature. Along with the usual tools and nails and paints, other things were needed. Lanterns were a must. Kerosene lamps were common. Years ago, batteries were not as strong, nor did they last long.  Stick matches were a must. So were axes and wood saws.

There are many urban people who regard wildlife as “cute, fuzzy animals.” Even a squirrel can do some harm! The reality is that when cornered, a deer can be deadly. Those antlers are like a jousting knight! Racoons may look cute, but they are not safe. And bears? Forget your teddy bear. A black bear can be mean and unpredictable.

During the Fall, when apples and other fruit are on the ground, some animals can get drunk. The fruit naturally ferments as it decays. Bears and deer have been known to get drunk on fallen fruit. In that state, they can be as unpredictable as a human boozer. Otherwise peaceful animals can become belligerent.

Finding work in the country is not easy. There are few jobs. City staples like manufacturing are nonexistent. Most jobs are government: state or county. Neither government nor private sector jobs are lucrative. Likewise, business may be good, but it is not as good as in the city.

I am sure things have changed. The country we knew is less rural. Thanks to modern transportation, commuters are moving to the region.

Scallops & Beans: A Recipe

Scallops & Beans

A simple, tasty meal that feeds two.  

You need

8 oz bay (small) scallops
1 medium sized onion
black beans - 1 can
chili powder
cumin
Cayenne pepper to taste
Bread slices - optional

Cook in a deep pan

Make sure scallops are drained and if necessary, defrosted.

Dice onion

Heat pan, add vegetable oil (canola, corn, sesame, etc.)

Add onions Let them cook a couple of minutes.

Add scallops. Stir often until. Add chili powder and a little cumin. Cook until done,

Add black beans. Stir into the mix. Add chili powder and cumin. When almost ready, add cayenne to taste. Stir and serve. Serves two. For four people, double the mixture.

After you have eaten the solid part of the meal, the sauce is so good you might want to sop it up with a slice of bread. Yes, it is that tasty!

The Real Ninja

I first head about the Ninja over 40 years ago. There was a book from Ohara publications that described the Ninja and their fighting arts. Ninja: the Invisible Assassins by Andrew Adams was intriguing, to say the least. The book did not show much in the way of techniques, but it certainly gave a lot of history and background. All these years later, I consider it one of the more honest Ninja books.

Like anything else involving martial arts and Far Eastern mysteries, getting to the facts means cutting through the hype. And the hype can be as much as 90% of the information.

The first popular approach to Ninja came via a man named Stephen Hayes, a student of the Korean art of Tae Kwon Do. He went to Japan to meet one of the people cited in the aforementioned book. Maasaki Hatsumi was known mostly as a martial artist specializing in traditional Japanese arts. He had authored a very good book on stick fighting. Apparently, along with learning these arts, he also learned some Ninjitsu.

Hayes was given a condensed education in Ninjitsu, which he was to bring to the West. He published a small booklet and gave Ninja seminars. Much looked like just another variation on Japanese medieval armed and unarmed fighting. Hayes went back to Japan for more study. He and his  mentor were soon offering an assortment of books on Ninjitsu. And concurrently, others added their texts on Ninjitsu. Many claimed to be from other Ninja schools. It reminded me of how some Karate schools suddenly became kung Fu schools when Bruce Lee popularized the Chinese martial arts in the early 70s.

Japanese cinema has had a love affair with the Ninja.  Many of the Samurai “Chambara” films have an incident or two involving a Ninja ambush. And if you find the old Hong Kong Kung Fu entertaining, you can be sure that the Chambara flicks are equally fun fare. Fun. Entertaining. Amusing.  But totally unrealistic. And that is fine for entertainment. Keep in mind that the Chambara (named after the sound of swords clashing) movies are not in the same category as the works of Kurosawa. Chambara is entertainment; Kurosawa is art.

According to the hype, Ninja were masterful assassins, saboteurs and spies. The hype focuses on the fighting, killing and mayhem. Reality is a very different thing.

The real Ninja were spies. Their espionage networks were not very different, structurally, from their modern counterparts. The black-suited assassins and raiders were a small part of the operation. They were the equivalent of the paramilitary components of modern spy agencies like the CIA, KGB, MI5 and French Surete. Paramilitaries are only used for special operations and under very limited circumstances.

Of course, the paramilitaries make for much better cinema, be they a raiding party of marauding Ninja or commandos attacking the enemy facility at the end of a James Bond movie.  By comparison, real paramilitary operations are not that exciting.

The real Ninja groups were organized for their main objective: gathering intelligence. Agents provocateur, saboteurs and assassins were a secondary function, at best.

The leaders of a Ninja clan, the Jonin (master Ninja) were the equivalent of modern spymasters. They controlled and coordinated all of the other elements. Every agency has its spymasters. Answering to them are various components. Codes and ciphers is charged with sending, receiving, intercepting and deciphering clandestine messages. Analysts are the largest component. Their task it to take all of the information gathered and put it into perspective. In other words, their job is to make sense of the data. They look for patterns, coincidences, anomalies and other factors. More often then not, they take small bits of information and use it to get a look at the big picture.

Field agents, the Chunin, are sent out to gather intelligence on the spot. Their work usually entails setting themselves up in a given place and developing sources. Some field agents are moles. They may spend years under cover, working their way into the institutions which they are charged with observing. Some are sleepers. These agents set themselves up and act as normal residents. They only take action when they are called upon. Most sleepers can only be activated once, as their cover is blown once they operate.

Most field agents develop spy rings known as cells. They accrue a number of sources. These may be talkative individuals who do not know their “friend” is a spy. They may be people coerced to spy. A field agent knows how to manipulate possible sources through bribery, flattery, blackmail or exploitation of human frailties. The Ninja were good at this and gave their agents guidelines to spot and entrap possible sources. While some of these guidelines were practical, others were based on superstitions such as phrenology.

Many agents do nothing but observe. They are listening posts. Observers take no action, but pass their observations up to their handlers. These would be the least skilled ninja, the Genin.

Many field agents are taught self-defense, breaking and entry, and in a pinch, how to kill. Many also learn basic sabotage. Most hope never to use these skills ,as they can expose an agent and end his operation.

Trained assassins and saboteurs take their skills to a much higher level. The Ninja used both.

Like other spy agencies, deception was a large part fo the Ninja’s process. He use ruses, distractions, disguises and other tactics to conceal himself and his activities.

The Ninja make amusing characters for action movies, but the reality is far less exciting. Ninja worked best when  their presence was not even suspected.

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The real Ninja paramilitaries preferred a dark blue costume, as it was less visible against a skyline at night. Pure black stands out. As for weapons, most Ninja swords were not much different in shape from other Samurai swords, right down to the rounded tsuba (crossguard). The odd sword used by Hayes & company might be a specialty on one group. I suspect some of Hayes’ weapons are actually drawn from a peculiar Samurai system and might mot have Ninja origins.

(As an example, the director fo the CIA is a political appointee. He serves mostly as a figurehead and point-of-contact with the government. The real spymasters are high-ranking CIA personnel whose identities are obscured from the public.)

Another way of ranking Ninja operatives was: 1) Professional Ninja, 2) Warriors with some Ninja skills, and 3) low-class persons (non-Samurai) with two or three Ninja skills.

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You can download a copy of an old Ninja manual here. As far as I can tell, it was the first American publication by someone who had studied Ninjutsu.: http://www.thortrains.net/downloads/oldninjabook.pdf

This next download is a book of questionable authority. It’s been around a long time and has some interesting tricks: http://www.thortrains.net/downloads/Secrets_of_the_Ninja.pdf

Hanzo Hattori, the Devil Ninja by Anthony Cummins is a free E-Book. It examines the history of a famous Ninja leader and gives some insight into the real Ninja of feudal Japan: https://www.pdf-archive.com/2014/03/28/hattori-hanzo-the-free-ebook-by-antony-cummins/hattori-hanzo-the-free-ebook-by-antony-cummins.pdf

Shoninki: The Secret Teachings of the Ninja by Master Natori Masazumi, translated by Anthony Cummins. This is a translation of an old Ninja scroll. It focuses on the espionage aspects of the Ninja. Fascinating stuff.

Ninja: the Invisible Assassins by Andrew Adams  This book was my introduction to the Ninja.

Irish Bar He-She-nanigans

Irish Bar He / She - nanigans

(Names have been changed to protect the guilty)

My friend Seamus used to tend bar in an Irish gin mill. Most of the patrons were older Irish men. One day a very tall woman came in. She was younger than most of the men. When Seamus served her, he noticed something peculiar. Beneath her scarf, he saw an Adam’s Apple. The woman was actually a man.

One of the regular patrons remarked about the "pretty woman.” Seamus told him, “That’s a transvestite.”

A few minutes later, the patron’s friends came in. The bar fly pointed to the “woman” at the end of the bar and said in a thick Irish brogue,

“Would ya’ have a look at that? It’s a trifecta!”

Seamus was busy at the other end of the bar. He heard a rustling, as if there were a scuffle. The woman hurriedly left the bar.

A little old Irish man was standing there with a bewildered look on his face.

“What happened here?” Seamus asked.

“She had balls, Seamus. She had balls!” Apparently, the little Irishman had put his hands up the “woman’s” skirt.

These days, there would be a lot of hullabaloo, what with all the politically-correct talk of “Transgender” and “trans-sexual.” Back then, it was transvestite and cross-dresser. A man dressed as a woman - or vice versa - was outside the norm. I don’t understand it and no amount of explanation will change that.

Notorious Spy Scandal: Two Degree of Separation

My wife’s cousin Karen was in the Navy. During family gatherings, she and I sometimes trade military stories. It was one such conversation that intrigued me.

During the Cold War, the Navy had placed magnetic sensors underwater, outside the Murmansk harbor in Russia. Every time a ship went over them, the sensors recorded its passing. These were so sensitive that they could tell what type ship had passed.

Karen asked if I had heard of them. She told me that she belonged to the unit that monitored the sensors. That is, until they were compromised. Karen told me that they were betrayed by none other than John Walker, one of the most notorious traitors in history.

Wow. Two degrees of separation from one of the worst spy scandals of the 20th Century.

John Walker was a senior Navy NCO who sold secrets to the Russians. They believe that as a result of some of his treachery, the Russians asked the North Koreans to grab the USS Pueblo so they could get their hands on some of the gear on board.

Ironically, I have a second two-degree separation there. I attended a talk given by one of the Pueblo officers and spoke with him afterward.

Karen’s unit was set up later, and was compromised by Walker’s ongoing spying in the late 70s or early 80s.

**********

Karen spent time in the Aleutian Islands during the Navy service. She told me they placed pieces of culvert pipe between installations .If anyone was trapped outside during a sudden storm, they could take refuge in the pipe.

I heard a story of one of my uncles who was with the Navy Seabees (Construction Battalions). During the battle for the Aleutian island of Attu, some Japanese hid in caves. Rather than flush them out, the Seabees were brought into action. My uncle was supposedly one of the Seabees who drove armored bulldozers to seal caves where the Japanese were hiding. Of course, that generation of family is gone and I have no way to verify the story.

Queen of Scofflaws

(Names have been changed or omitted to protect the guilty.)

This happened about 35 years ago. The woman (we will call her Carlotta) I was dating at the time could be careless. She had a nice sports car. One time I dropped my wallet between the seats. Reaching down under the seat, I found a bag of something I pulled it out, and then reached again to find my wallet. Looking at the bag, I noticed it held at least a dozen parking tickets.

Carlotta acted as if she was caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She explained that she sometimes let her brother use the car. They were his tickets. I told her that she had better get him to take care of them. Carlotta seemed reluctant to confront him, so I offered to talk to him. At this, she balked. She said she would do it.

To put it simply, this relationship was already unraveling. In retrospect, it was only a matter of time before we parted.

Carlotta called me one day. She was worried. She had received a letter from the police Violations department. They were after her for unpaid tickets. I met with her later and we talked. I offered to go with her to the Violations department to help her clear up the tickets.

We went to Violations, which was in an old police stations. The woman was upset. I was not, but then, I was not the one in Dutch with the cops. We went to the counter. The woman behind the counter was polite. When Carlotta gave her name, the woman checked a list. She then excused herself and went to a back room. A moment later, she came back. She was followed by two plainclothes policemen.

One of the officers looked at me and asked, what I was doing there. Both officers knew me from non-police matters. I replied that I was there with Carlotta.

Both officers looked at each other and smiled like the Cheshire cat.

“Miss, can you wait here? We have to show him something,” one said to Carlotta. They invited me to come in back.

I followed them into the back office. A sergeant was sitting at another desk. He knew me, too. One of the officers told him,” He’s here with Carlotta ----.”

The sergeant nodded and  smiled.

They asked me to sit at a desk. One placed a thick pile of printed-out pages. I saw Carlotta’s name on them.

“Look, I can help her out with the tickets. I have some extra money saved....”I said.

“Okay, but look at the list,” said the officer.

I looked. Carlotta’s name was listed at least ten times on the first page. I flipped to the second, and there she was again, from top to bottom of the page. And so on with the third and fourth. Looking up I asked,

“Just how many pages are hers?”

The officers and sergeant could hardly contain themselves.

“All of them,” was the reply.

“I can’t help with all this, “I said. They burst out laughing.

The sergeant agreed to let Carlotta pay off her tickets on a payment plan. The stipulation was that if she did not pay, she would go to jail. I thanked them for giving her a break. They said it was worth it just to see the look on my face when they told me the entire stack of print-outs were Carlotta’s. Indeed, she owed well over $3,000 simoleons.

As it turns out, the police were running a program to catch up with scoff-laws. Carlotta was the #2 scoff-law in the city.  A relative of hers, (I forget if it was a cousin or in-law), was #1 at twice that amount!

I stressed to Carlotta the importance of making payments. She sounded sincere when she agreed and promised to pay.

The relationship ended a couple of weeks later.

A few weeks after the break-up, one of the officers called me. He asked if I had seen Carlotta. I told him we broke up. He explained that she had not made payments. He wanted to give me a “heads-up” that they would be coming to arrest her. The man also said that in all the years he knew me, he never saw a look of surprise like the one on my face that day at the Violations office. Apparently, my reaction had been a source of  humor at the station for a couple of weeks.

Carlotta did get arrested. A that point, I found the whole thing amusing.

Just another case of “Stupid is what stupid does.” The relationship was already on the down slope, pretty much for the same kind of thinking that amassed $3,000 worth of parking tickets. As an old mentor said, “Don’t be stupid.”

It is amazing how careless people can be sometimes.

The Bank Job

I am reminded of the concept of bringing a knife to a gunfight.

007 Folding Knife

Some years ago, a fellow told me of his misadventures. He had been a street creep and low-level criminal several years earlier. One day, under the influence of alcohol and who-knows-what-else, the man had the brilliant idea of robbing a bank. He was armed with a “OO7" knife, a cheap street knife with large wooden handle slabs. Satisfied that he was equipped for this adventure, he went to the bank.

Rather than go to a teller, the man went to the back to one of the women behind desks. He showed his knife.

“Bring me a bag full of money, and none of those exploding dye packs. I’ll be sitting right here waiting for you.”

The woman nodded and left her desk. While she was supposedly getting the money, the man fell asleep in a drunken stupor.

The next thing he knew, there were cops all over.

The police booked  him and took him to the House of Detention (I forget if it was Brooklyn, Queens or the Manhattan “Tombs”.) Word of his failed bank job preceded him. As he was led through the facility, a corrections officer pointed at him and shouted, “There’s our financial wizard!”

A few years in a prison in upstate New York cured him of criminal ambitions. It also freed him of his penchant for booze.

The Amazing M47

M47 Medium Tank

By 1943, it was evident that tank design had to change. The Tank Destroyer Board tried to thwart the development of heavy tanks and tanks with bigger guns, The Board was trying to maintain its position, even though the facts showed that it was doomed. Indeed, Sherman tanks were upgunned with the 76mm high-velocity gun, and tank destroyers received the 90mm gun. A heavy tank was procured. The Pershing tank had over 4 inches of armor and a 90mm gun. That was equal to the biggest tanks the Germans were fielding. Appearing late in the war, the Pershing did its job.

The Pershing was a welcome addition, but it soon was evident that it could be better. The engine was underpowered and a better gun and sighting system were needed. The beginning of Cold War tensions meant an immediate fix. The Pershing Heavy Tank, with an improved turret, electrical system and power plant became the M46 Patton. These tanks performed well duign the Korean conflict.

M47

Tank designers realized that we needed a tank to take on the Reds. Until the best tank could be designed and produced, the US required a tank to fill the gap. The result was the M47. Using a variant of the M46 chassis and a new turret, the M47 sported a 90mm gun, improved optics and a better power plant.  From the front, its turret was a narrow target. From the side it was long. A bustle was added to accommodate and counterbalance the 90mm gun as well as provide more stowage. 

The M47 went right into production. Meanwhile, the M46 was performing well in Korea. There were plenty of them and they proved superior to the late model T34s of the enemy. Most of the M47s were sent to Europe. By the time production ceased, some 10,000 were built.

U.S. Soldiers examine M47 

The M46s were slowly retired or were refitted for other duties, such as tank recovery. A few went to allied armies such as Belgium. M47s took their place in the US arsenal. It was not long after that the first marks of the newer, better tank were ready for production. The M48 Patton was designated in 1952. It featured even better armor, better sighting, an improved gun and power plant. The M47s was replaced. Many were sold to allies. Some went to the National Guard. A few went into storage.

Italy, France, West Germany, Austria, and Spain were among European armies who bought the M47. Iran was a major buyer. Jordan and Pakistan also acquired M47s. South Korea was the major Asian buyer. In the 1950s, President Eisenhower gave over 300 to Yugoslavia to forestall the threat of a Soviet invasion.

M47s appeared in several conflicts. They were used by Jordan during the 6-Day Arab-Israeli War. Pakistan fielded them in several conflicts with India. Iran used them in the Iran - Iraq War. A few M47s were used by Somalia. One Somali tank was captured by the US.  M47s’ last major use was in the 1990s during the Croatian and Bosnian conflicts.

As of this writing, Spain maintains about 20 M47s which are used as tank recovery vehicles. Iran has 170 upgraded M47s. There may be a few individual pieces still operational in smaller armies.

The M47 has an operational history stemming from 1950 to 2018. That is a 68 year service history. And while it may not have been a stellar performer in all of its battles, it held the line. A review of its use shows that the tank performed well. Any problems with the M47 were not due to the vehicle, but the tactics and strategy of the commanders.

You may have seen the M47 in older movies. It was prohibitively expensive to make mock-ups of tanks and very few original World war II tanks were operational. The few that still an was not always accessible. Movie makers substituted other tanks, often “renting” them from an army.  Movies like “Patton” and “The Battle of the Bulge” rented the Spanish Army’s Pattons for use as Tiger tanks. If you look, you can see M47s painted to look like Panzers.

The most famous M47 driver is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He drove an M7 while in the Austrian Army.

The Patton Series of Tank has a history of longevity. The M48 has been upgraded many times. The A5 variant had its armor enhanced as well as being upgunned to a 105 mm weapon comparable to the M60. Several forces still use the upgraded M48s. The first M48s rolled off the assembly line in 1952, giving it a service history of 66 years.

M48 in Vietnam

The M60 series is still in use and has been upgraded several times. The few remaining in US service are mainly test vehicles and armored bridge layers. It is still in front-line service in several countries. Being first issued in December 1960, that gives the M60 a 58 year service history.

M60a1 during Cold War

Easy to Make Dinner: Turkey-Yaki

Turkey-yaki

This is a way to make yourself a man-sized meal with leftovers Especially good when there’s a lot of turkey. Here’s the list

Cooked turkey, mostly white meat.
One onion
Small can of mushrooms (small handful)
Soba noodles
teriyaki sauce or Hoisin Sauce mixed withan  even amount of soy sauce.

You need a deep pan and a small pot.

In pot, start boiling water. Add noodles

Heat pan and Coat with vegetable oil (canoloa, corn, sesame, etc.)

Flake the turkey into small pieces.  Enough to fill a small bowl (2 average handful) Pour in teriyaki sauce and mix it into the turkey Let sit while you:

Dice onion

Add onion and turkey.

Stir and heat well. Add mushrooms.

When ready, drain noodles and add to pan.

Stir. Add more sauce if necessary.

Now put it on a plate and dig in!

Count Dante, Chicago’s Wild Man Martial Arts Promoter

Count Dante, Chicago’s Wild Man Martial Arts Promoter

Four areas have an inordinate share of hooples, characters, hype and nonsense: Espionage, the Occult, New Age, and the Martial Arts. Claims of special powers and deep secrets head the list of hype topics. Sometimes they combine. There have been screwy martial artists who claimed connections with clandestine operations, and occultists who allude to arcane wisdom of the most mysterious kind. Part of the problem is that these are pretty much subjective. There is no authority to vouch for their validity, and no shared standards.

Shadowy things attract paranoid schizophrenics and other unstable personalities.

Back in Chicago in the 1960s., one such phenomenon took center stage on the martial arts scene. His name was John Keehan. He was an Irish kid, born in 1939. Keehan liked boxing. While in the military, he was introduced to hand-to-hand combat. He liked that even more. Afterward, he sought instruction from Robert Trias, the man who opened the first Karate school in the continental US. Keehan loved it.

Keehan was rushed through the grades. Back then, there were not enough instructors to meet the demand. Some of the more promising students were rushed so as to provide Karate where none had existed.  Keehan gave Trias a presence in Chicago.

John Keehan started training students in Chicago. He took all comers, regardless of race or ethnicity. Keehan also represented Trias’ organization, the US Karate Association. The young man began organizing tournaments. Karate had come to Chicago and it all looked good.

Keehan started getting into trouble. On one occasion, he and a friend were arrested taping blasting caps to the window of a rival dojo. He bought a lion club and paraded it around Chicago, walking the animal on a leash. Keehan worked as a hairdresser in a beauty salon. He told friends it was a great place to pick up women. He eventually opened his own salon and a chain of adult bookstores.

One of Keehan’s stunts was to have a truck drive around with a live bull on the back. Keehan claimed that the bull would be killed with one blow by one of his students at the tournament. This did not happen. Keehan claimed the police stopped it, but it was likely never going to happen, anyway.

The red-haired Irishman dyed his hair black, trimmed his beard in a distinctive way and started wearing a silk cape. He claimed to be descended from Spanish royalty. Keehan changed his name to Juan Raphael Dante. “Count Dante ”

Those of us of a certain age may remember Keehan’s ads in pulp magazines and comics. He billed himself as “The Deadliest Man alive” and offered a course on “The World’s Deadliest Fighting Secrets.” For about five dollars, a person would get a booklet and a membership card in ’s Black Dragon Fighting  Society.

Keehan became more erratic and more dangerous. He was quick to hit someone who dared disagree with him. Two men who laughed at the Spanish crest on his car door invoked his ire. He beat them badly. Keehan even hit his own lawyer once.

Keehan saw any dojo not connected to him as a threat. In one infamous incident, he led several of his friends on a raid of another school. The brawl ended with one of his friends being killed. On another occasion, Keehan was somehow connected to an armored car heist. He was questioned, but not charged.

Black Belt magazine refused to cover Keehan’s tournaments. He had lost credibility in the wider martial arts community.

Count Dante attempted to sponsor one last tournament in Massachusetts in 1975, but it was a complete flop.

Keehan was having medical problems. In 1975, he died of bleeding stomach ulcers. The man was 36 years old. His Black Dragon Fighting Society and everything else was left to a friend named Aguar.

Count Dante’s legacy did not end there. Two other questionable martial artists, Ashida Kim and Frank Dux, were linked to the Black Dragon Fighting Society. Kim - real name Radford Davis - is considered a fraud by many martial artists. Frank Dux has been discredited many times. Aguar’s website extols Kim, Dux and Count Dante as heroes of the martial arts.

The shame of it is that Keehan was a personable, energetic and creative promoter of the martial arts in Chicago. Robert Trias blamed the troubles on Keehan being too you to handle the authority he wielded. Maybe. And it might just as well be that Keehan had hidden demons of his own. The transition from effective promoter to one-man circus is a sad tale, indeed.

************

Ashida Kim is a prolific writer on “Ninja.” He also claims to be a member of Keehan’s Black Dragon Fighting Society. Apparently, that got him into conflict with Aguar. Somehow they came to an agreement, because Aguar’s site has a link to Kim’s reprint of Dante’s materials. Perhaps it is because Kim gets things into print and Aguar has a piece of the action. Kim / Davis is a decent martial artist in his own right. He has given seminars that were well-received. So it makes one wonder why he would make all sorts of spurious claims for himself as to being a Ninja, among other things.

Two of Kim’s books had been published by Paladin Press. Somehow, they made an overseas paperback deal for two of the books and left him out of the deal. In retaliation, Kim began offering digital copies of Secrets of the Ninja free online. One of his other books, Ninja Hands of Death, uses techniques and a “Dance of Death”copied from Count Dante’s mail-order book. World's Deadliest Fighting Secrets.